... from a Cottage in the Trees

The girl wrangled; with her emotions, her duties, her dreams… she tried to make sense of all that was happening inside her, but it was hard. Damn hard.

She reminisced about years gone by when she would stuff her backpack with all that she needed and head off on a flight to somewhere new. Somewhere exciting. Where she knew that she would be able to pound the pavements in search of places for people to stay, talking to restaurant owners and hoteliers, working out what she might write. All that space to think about anything she wanted. All those evenings spent creating sentences, drinking coffee, sharing cigarettes with nameless strangers who would tell her stories of new places, different lives.

She liked that.

Back then life was easy, she thinks. Back then the girl didn’t have to think about anyone but herself, and the prospect of taking off at any given moment held little guilt, required no more thought than what to pack – walking boots or walking flip-flops?

Life feels different now, she thinks. Life is filled with other hearts and minds and somehow life can, at times, run away. In recent weeks she has felt stranded and overwhelmed by what her life means. She has looked upon it from a distance and tried to understand, what is best now? What is good and right? For her, for everyone around her, and suddenly the realisation came that right now is not the time to leap completely. Right now is the time to half-leap, in preparation for a leap… or not.

But thoughts of a soulless house on a busy street being suffocated by central heating, kept her awake at night and as she listened to the pitter-patter of rain on canvas she thought, “perhaps I’ll stay here?” Of course, the girl knew that this was crazy and that a better plan must be made, not least because her daughter had found a picture in a book at Grandma’s and announced, “I want to live here Mummy.” 

But Mummy didn’t know how to find that house so she closed her eyes and in desperation put every ounce of her trust in fate.

Then suddenly, there it was, the answer in three small words:

Rural . Farm . Cottage .

So she went to see it and of course was charmed by the rickety fireplace, the lack of modernisation, the prospect of three jumpers on winter evenings (in bed) and she knew alright; knew that this was the place to keep her safe for a while. So now the girl has many birds and a pony in her garden and nothing but the sound of trees blowing in the wind through her open window at night. The sky is dark, the stars bright and fields stretch out ahead of her in all directions. There are smiles and much laughter and somehow fate has done it again, for the girl could not have asked for anything more perfect, really.

She doesn’t know what will happen next, but she knows that right now she likes where she is and sometimes that’s all you can ask for…

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~ Buddha.

... from a Homeless Heart

I sit on the kitchen steps looking down the length of my boat. Taking a deep breath I soak up all the colour, the fun, the memories and I smile as light dances on the ceiling reflecting ripples in the water.

God I will miss that light.

Tears sting my eyes because suddenly being true to one’s self, striving to live a life in direct response to a heart; feels hard. It is not easy to leap from a cliff, not knowing if the wind will catch you and hold you in its embrace. Sleep can be broken when your heart tells you what you need to do and yet, your head jolts you into the realisation of what that really means.

But, realisation comes when a home is passed on, when you watch it sail away into the sunlight and then the thought comes that you are homeless. Fear not, I tell myself; we are all homeless in one way or another, at one time or another.

Homeless in love, in dreams, in truth.

And so, I stay with family for a while and I cry a little, I feel fear a little, but then I find joy in the warm summer air, in the discarded rubbish that looks like a wagtail. I realise that it feels good to be back to having everything I need in a car - right somehow - and I tell my daughter that the only true home is found within the love between each other. Then we pitch our tent and laugh, splash in puddles, listen to the birds and fear melts away as I realise that, for right or wrong, this is the path I am walking; have always walked. One filled with changing directions and gradients, one that at times is overgrown with thistles that scratch, but that at others sretches out ahead of me like a long cool drink on a hot day.

This life is a choice and this life can be crazy and scary. But it’s unique and it’s mine, and sometimes you have to be right there on the edge of that cliff just to know you are living. So that surprise can take you where it wants and let you realise that whatever step you take, it will always be the right one.

“I have been standing on the side of life, watching it float by. I want to swim in the river. I want to feel the current.” ~ Mamah Borthwick Cheney, 1907. (Taken from Loving Frank - a wonderful and interesting read.)

Cheerio my beautiful boat - my we had a lot of fun together ;-)